


the memory of you

by silverkatana



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, M/M, as usual i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:08:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24404818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverkatana/pseuds/silverkatana
Summary: all good things come to an end.
Relationships: Cho Kyuhyun/Kim Ryeowook
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	the memory of you

**Author's Note:**

> not the most a+ of works since it's just something i dug out of my folder since 2017, but hope you enjoy!

The rain patters softly on the smooth slate surface, leaving nothing but a dull rhythm ringing through his ears. It’s all silent around him aside from the sound of the rain, and he tries his best to ignore the way it allows him to hear his heartbeat too loud against his chest.

He stands alone without an umbrella, the droplets beginning to soak through his clothes and into his skin, but he doesn’t mind. The feel of the water sliding down his skin is comforting in an odd way; it reminds him, really, of the days he sat, accompanied only by the rare watery rays of sunlight trespassing through drawn blinds, letting the tears flow down his cheeks.

He doesn’t cry like that anymore, though. Day after day, it’s gotten easier for his practised smile to flit across his lips, easier for him to put on the mask and parade the masquerade as though he’s done it since he was born. Or perhaps by now he’s cried himself dry of tears.

The wind whistles through the trees, reminding him a little of the way they used to converse in hushed tones in the deep of the night, a mess of whispered words and barely-contained silent laughter. 

He lets a hiss escape between his teeth, clamping down on the memory and tossing it aside; he’d best not allow himself to remember, lest he be assaulted with yet another deluge of memories, yet another reminder that the world didn’t use to be so grey.

It’s all gone now, anyway.

There’s the soft clatter of footsteps behind him and his  _ hyung _ emerges, umbrella handle gripped tightly in his hand, a sympathetic smile fitted upon his features. “It’s time to go now,” he says quietly, gently. “You should stop coming here so often.”

He sighs, drawing a hand over his face tiredly. He’s heard this before. “You can’t stop me,” he responds eventually, his voice flat and withdrawn, not bothering to meet the other man’s gaze. “I told him I would never let go of him.”

“I know, but… He’s gone now.” The words come gentle, but they still sting harsher than anything he’s ever known. The truth is so bitter sometimes. “You have to move on, Kyuhyun.”

“And what if I don’t?”

The rest of the walk is silent, his question hanging unanswered in the clouded air.

It’s four in the morning when he’s jolted awake, a light sheen of sweat dampening his skin, his breaths coming heavy and loud in the otherwise silent air. In the dark he searches frantically, his gaze flitting from door to table to bed, before he slumps against the headboard of his bed, fighting to control his heartbeat that’s hammering in his chest.

How many times has he seen it? Memories of the day replay in his mind incessantly; it’s haunted him since the day itself, every day, every night, sometimes multiple times per night, and each time, he wakes up desperately gasping for breath, tasting the tears on his lips, losing himself in a fight for someone already long gone.

Flashes of the pain, the tear-stricken faces and the sickening worry; he remembers it all, from the way the way his name fell into the haunting silence, from the way tears ran down his paling cheeks and fell onto his trembling lips, from the touch of their hands, one trembling and one still but so, so cold.

He remembers the way everyone around him was so silent, so reverently silent; he remembers the way the words whispered to him, and he remembers not remembering anything except for the very last moment in time; the smile that he saw one last time, the most beautiful and the most painful of smiles.

And again, and again, and again, he tries to stop the outcome that has already been decided every time it replays in his mind; again and again and again, he prays that in some alternative universe, in some false reality, somewhere,  _ anywhere _ , he’ll be able to hold that hand and not feel it go cold under his touch, he’ll be able to smile through the tears blurring his vision, he’ll be able to see that smile once again.

And again, and again, and again, he fails.

He must have accidentally let a cry or two leave his lips, for someone knocks on his door; he bites his lip, unwilling to respond, instead taking to staring at the door that used to belong to both of them. He sits in silence, unresponsive, until he hears the footsteps fade.

In a way, he doesn’t want the sound of the outside to go away. It lets him hear his thoughts screaming at him too loudly in his head, louder and more incessant with every waking moment.

He wishes he didn’t remember.

He wishes he didn’t remember anything at all.

He wishes he didn’t remember the way Ryeowook’s touch was soft against his skin, or the way he played with Ryeowook’s hair as he always did pretending everything would turn out okay. He wishes he didn’t remember the flashes of hope through crashing waves of hopelessness and existential panic, or the feeling of every shred of hope he’s ever had splintering through his chest and into his still-beating heart.

He wishes he didn’t remember the way Ryeowook smiled at him, or the way Ryeowook’s hand slid out of his grip, limp, unmoving.

He wishes he didn’t remember, every day of his life, every dread-filled second, that the one he loves the most is gone, and isn’t ever coming back.

But he remembers it all.

From the way they promised one another to never let go of each other.

From the way they promised they’d never let each other down.

He remembers.

So he keeps living, even though a part of him - a large part of him - feels like it’s all gone.

He keeps smiling, even though every fibre of his soul cries, and his mask cracks under the weight of all the tears unshed.

He keeps waiting, even though there’s no one left in this world to wait for.

He keeps waiting, waiting for the day where everything will be okay again. Even if he thinks it’ll never come.

The one he loved the most is nothing more than an echo of who once was that he keeps alive, day after day, in the current of memories that filter through his mind - every hour, every minute, every second.

He keeps living hopelessly, like a fool, for the one he promised he’d keep alive in his memory.

But nowadays, it’s getting hard, too hard, and Kyuhyun wonders how much longer he can bear it for.

All good things come to an end.

He wishes it could have been anything but Ryeowook.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> p.s. i am sorry


End file.
